On Spanking and Submission

I read a post of Kaylem related to D/s and that made me wonder. A few posts back I was saying that I was unable to understand the D/s relantionship. I was wrong. I mean I understand it as much as a vanilla could understand the way a spanko ticks; it's just that submission to the point of being called a sub is not in my character.

Kaylem explains it beautifully however. But, while being a sub in bed, with tendencies to top now and then, and mostly a brat in life, I like being in control of things. I definetely seek approval of my husband. I seek the approval of my Mom as well, and of my best friend. It hurts me to see that they don't understand me when I'm sad or that they don't like the new thing I've bought. On the other hand, I will buy something that I really like and want, regardless of what others say. I like knowing there is always someone there to help me and support me (my hubby), that I am not alone in life, but control I cannot give. I love control. Losing it while getting a spanking is something completely different for me.

It's all related to spanking. How I like it. I said it before in a newsgroup and I'll say it again: spanking without a reason is not turning me on. My fantasies are built upon the reason. Spanking equals punishment for me (it's a paradox, I know) and that's the way it works. It's not the pain, as I said, it's the headspace. It's the tone of his voice. I need to feel that angry something driving him to punish me. I wish I could explain better the difference between a normal spanking and a punishment spanking. There certainly are difference, if only in the perception of the receiver. (If anybody can help, please do.) It's just that, without a reason, the spanking loses its flavor. I guess that's why I am a brat and not a subbie.

I need something to be sorry for when being spanked, something to apologize for, something to promise not to do again. (Well, as all the others, I promise but I never keep my word, but that's a different issue.)

So I am definetely not submissive. Right, I can call my hubby Master after a good whacking - even before if I'm freaked out. But that would never be a full time occupation. "Sir" will always remain my Number 1. Just like the belt, just like his voice, just like the other small turn-ons I have.

Maybe the punishment spanking is also related to my high energy levels. My body doesn't have that much of it, but my mind surely does. And it's the mind that drives my body through mischief. It's my mind that makes my fingers tap when I'm impatient, or cause me to talk fast, or drag me through shops long after my feet started hurting. So it's the mind you need to spank in order to calm me down and bring me back to normal. So once again, to wrap it up nicely, it's the headspace that makes the difference. My tollerance to pain is high. I never cried when in pain as a child and still don't. Frustration makes me weep.

I probably got watery eyes only a few times (4-5) when being spanked. It was never the pain that got me there, but me feeling weak, unable to control the situation, trapped. It's that moment when you finally submit and agree with yourself that there's nothing you can do that can change the near future. You'll still be spanked, no matter how much you promise to behave. That makes me cry. And I need those tears to calm down and be able to start anew and in peace with myself and the others.

Good night y'all!