Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Fucked up Evening

My Mom came over and she manages to piss the shit out of me each time she comes. She is the nagging queen. Each sentence coming out of her mouth is on the negative side. I am so fucking tired of it I don't have words to explain it.

This is why I don't visit anymore and this is why I don't miss them when they are gone. Maybe I am just a cold person and a lonely one too, but I had enough bullshit in my life and I don't want anymore. I moved 350km away from home for University not to be in that house anymore, and in another country to be even further.

These are the moments when I wish I could live across the ocean. I wouldn't mind. I don't care why she does it anymore. I have my own life and I plan on living it. Why the fuck does she have to always come and start cooking and to nag me about my house and my habits and everything? She has a problem with my father who keeps drinking? Then keep it there and keep me out of the picture. I am sick and tired of being the one to whom everyone runs when they have a problem. I have problems too and I don't bother people with them - and the fact that I write this down is not to get comments from anybody, but to get it out of my system. I would actually appreciate it if you didn't comment, because my pissed off mood is dangerous. And no matter what I say about my parents I become very protective when others say it.

I have two or three things in mind on how I could calm down and you don't want to hear them and I don't want to share them. But I might do them nevertheless.

Yeah, keep throwing things around. That's gonna help for sure. What the fuck is her problem anyway? Fuck, I am sooo tired of their shit.

You know, each time I have something to celebrate or be happy about, I call home, and I get to hear that he's drunk again and she's in a bad mood. Jack got employed in the position he wanted - 'well done' with the background of fighting; same goes for both of us getting maximum grades in our Masters degree and being happy about it; same goes for the day before my wedding; same goes for every fucking Xmas and new year and Easter; for Jack's promotion. For my own. I have started to avoid their phone calls , simply because I don't want to be down and worry all day about them fighting again. I dread the moment they would call in the evening.

I am even sick with myself for sharing all this, but who gives a shit? And I used to wonder how come I ended up so screwed up, being the masochist that I am? Actually, I wonder how I ended up always smiling at work and being optimistic, instead of locking myself in a cage and nagging everyone like she does, or drinking every days countless glasses or bottles of booze and being down.

Just put a gun to my head and shoot me guys.

You know what? I am fucking gonna write! If I don't lose contact with this fucking reality I might just get out of the house in the middle of the might and wander on the streets for a few hours.


Paul said...

Kay, dear one, I know you said not to comment, but you didn't seriously expect me to listen, did you. Grins!!!
I'm not going to advise on your parents, I don't know much about parents as I don't remember mine.
We have a saying over here, "your family is forced upon you, your friends you choose".
Sending you peace and positive thoughts, get some rest dear girl.
Love and warm hugs,

Eric said...

I know you're not asking for sympathy, Kayley, but I'm sending you a big hug anyway. I think it's good to vent, even if answers are likely not forthcoming.

Glad you're fucking gonna write.

Big Hug <--

Kayley said...

Thanks for your comments guys but this is one of those posts that I will never re-read. ;) I get over things easily until the next thing blows out of proportion. ;)

Will said...

The writing is definitely a great outlet for you.
Parents can be difficult.
I can relate~~(I have a father who's a handful lately..he's a very angry man..tough taking care of him.)

Take care, hun.
Keep writing.