Tuesday, February 14, 2006

How slavishly devoted are you?

Player: You enjoy playing the role of the submissive on occasion because it is a thrill. You certainly dont consider yourself a lifestyle submissive on any level. To you submission is all about fun and gratification, and it is often a spur-of-the-moment thing.

How slavishly devoted are you?
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On Spanking and Submission

I read a post of Kaylem related to D/s and that made me wonder. A few posts back I was saying that I was unable to understand the D/s relantionship. I was wrong. I mean I understand it as much as a vanilla could understand the way a spanko ticks; it's just that submission to the point of being called a sub is not in my character.

Kaylem explains it beautifully however. But, while being a sub in bed, with tendencies to top now and then, and mostly a brat in life, I like being in control of things. I definetely seek approval of my husband. I seek the approval of my Mom as well, and of my best friend. It hurts me to see that they don't understand me when I'm sad or that they don't like the new thing I've bought. On the other hand, I will buy something that I really like and want, regardless of what others say. I like knowing there is always someone there to help me and support me (my hubby), that I am not alone in life, but control I cannot give. I love control. Losing it while getting a spanking is something completely different for me.

It's all related to spanking. How I like it. I said it before in a newsgroup and I'll say it again: spanking without a reason is not turning me on. My fantasies are built upon the reason. Spanking equals punishment for me (it's a paradox, I know) and that's the way it works. It's not the pain, as I said, it's the headspace. It's the tone of his voice. I need to feel that angry something driving him to punish me. I wish I could explain better the difference between a normal spanking and a punishment spanking. There certainly are difference, if only in the perception of the receiver. (If anybody can help, please do.) It's just that, without a reason, the spanking loses its flavor. I guess that's why I am a brat and not a subbie.

I need something to be sorry for when being spanked, something to apologize for, something to promise not to do again. (Well, as all the others, I promise but I never keep my word, but that's a different issue.)

So I am definetely not submissive. Right, I can call my hubby Master after a good whacking - even before if I'm freaked out. But that would never be a full time occupation. "Sir" will always remain my Number 1. Just like the belt, just like his voice, just like the other small turn-ons I have.

Maybe the punishment spanking is also related to my high energy levels. My body doesn't have that much of it, but my mind surely does. And it's the mind that drives my body through mischief. It's my mind that makes my fingers tap when I'm impatient, or cause me to talk fast, or drag me through shops long after my feet started hurting. So it's the mind you need to spank in order to calm me down and bring me back to normal. So once again, to wrap it up nicely, it's the headspace that makes the difference. My tollerance to pain is high. I never cried when in pain as a child and still don't. Frustration makes me weep.

I probably got watery eyes only a few times (4-5) when being spanked. It was never the pain that got me there, but me feeling weak, unable to control the situation, trapped. It's that moment when you finally submit and agree with yourself that there's nothing you can do that can change the near future. You'll still be spanked, no matter how much you promise to behave. That makes me cry. And I need those tears to calm down and be able to start anew and in peace with myself and the others.

Good night y'all!

A Day I want To Forget

That's today. I want to forget today and my work. I loved it at some point, now I hate it. It's hard to get up in the morning and go to work with the same feeling you would have when going to school on an examination day.

Okay, I don't hate my job, I hate the people I work with. And that's why I want to forget today or get over it... I am so frustrated. I want my own business... Let's see when hubby gets back. I really want my own capital and my own firm to do whatever I want and to fight with no one. I need to find a niche in the market; something with less money, chances to get a nice profit. Work doesn't scare me; the environment does and bores me.

Hey! Maybe I like spanking because I like rules. If your headquarters and the internal law says you have to do it in a certain way, then don't come preaching to me that you can do it otherwise without any consequences. That's not me. Suggesting an improvement to the Quality Cell of your institution, that's different; but trying to be the new law by breaking the old one - no, thank you! And that's why I always liked Maths too: numbers - you always know where you stand. With the blah-blah, you don't. Is it less than 30%? Fine, it's legal. But twisting things is just not me. I hate it.

Spanking would be nice now. An obsession that washes all the others away. No worries, no nothing. Playing by the rules. No 'if'.

I'll go around read some blogs on spanking. That will force me into something more pleasant, something I can write about without furiously hitting the keys of my laptop.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Brat "Not" Under Control

That's what happens when my hubby is not around for a month. There is no one to organize my life. Yeah, my Smart Self might argue, "you were able to organize it before". And I think I was pretty good at it. And I generally am good at organizing others too. But I am just a poor time manager.

I overdo things. I shouldn't!! I have classes tomorrow. I have work tomorrow. I am always tired and having a headache after going to bed at 2 and 3am for three night ina row. But hey, there's no one here to tell me it's time to sleep, and I ignore my conscious because it bores me.

So I stayed up too late. I ate too little. I smoked more than a pack a day and had trouble going to bed. I was supposed to wash my hair yesterday (or today). I didn't. And I spent the last of my money on flowers. I got a beautiful yellow Gardenia and some other pretty flower I don't know the name of, but it's bordeau and I love the bell-like flowers. That's all that matters. And the fact that I had to buy it from the most expensive Flower Shop I'd imagine. My Mom said I gave too much - she didn't say it that nicely though - but I think it's quality and there is always a higher price for it.

Today I bought cigarettes again - just in case I get hungry and spend my money on food instead - and was left with some change in my pocket. I'm starving now, but that's a different issue. I'm smoking instead...

I want a credit card for shopping. I can get extra credit on the same card on which i get my salary. I am shop addicted. I can shop anything!! Even if I don't need it, I find a use for it. I shop fruits and veggies that I don't eat, milk that I don't drink, and so on. So a credit card is a very dangerous instrument in my hands. My hubby simply said on his funny tone that I am in big trouble if I even consider getting a credit on my card. Actually... I am considering. We will see. He doesn't have to know right away... I can tell him later. And if I control my shopping, he doesn't have to find out at all. I mean, it's no big deal, right? Everyone uses credits! YAAAAAAAAAA!! I want a credit card!! I wanna shop! Life is so sad without shopping! I want something little... something shiny maybe... something colorful. Or something for the house. Or something big! I would very much like something big. Or clothes!! I saw the best suit ever at Polo Garage for almost 500 bucks. I'd love to get it! *sniff* I really want that suit! Or at least a blouse. Or a shirt!! Marks and Spencer has the best shirts ever!

Yeah, let's make a huge list of the things I would like to buy right now! It would cheer me up!!
- colorful socks
- sexy expensive underwear
- the suit I liked from Polo Garage
- the light pink shirt ( I have 3 more pink shirts) from Marks and Spencer
- the laundry basket at the Mall. It was only 35 bucks, it wasn't much...
- three more flowers: a bamboo, a red flower, and a purple flower. Maybe a yellow or white one too. Maybe three is not enough. Maybe more than three would be better... I'll have to see. 10-20 bucks each. That's 60-70.
- the bedsheets I've seen in the same place where they had all the Valentines hearts. They were pretty, soothing colors, small ribbons. Loved the bedsheet. Modern too.
- I want new curtains!!!
- I want pillows to sit on them on the floor
- a new book to read
- Chinese and Mexican food!
- cream, lotion, and cleansing gel from the Body Shop
- new eye-liner from the Body Shop, two nail polishes cuz I wanna do my nails. Maybe even three, even if I rarely use them.
- I want a new lipstick! Or two new lipsticks!
- colorful things for my hair and two new ones to wear at work
- a nice modern lamp, Japanese; the bamboos, the Japanese paintings and rugs from the Mall
- a bigger kettle for my coffee
- something nice that I want the moment I see it - no matter what it is
- a skirt. And new jeans. And a new bike.

I'll never get enough money to buy all this! :( But I will check on my list now and then, now that I've made it. *evil grin* And something for Valentines. And a schoolgirl uniform.
That should do for one month. And the CREDIT CARD! So I can buy them all.


I had to get into this.

While a haibrush or any other implement can send shivers through my spine, nothing can trouble me more than the belt. The leather, the click of the buckle, the swoosh, everything, sends my mind racing. I would do anything to avoid belts. Yeah, I think my hubby knows that too.

I'm not sure belts hurt as bad as his hand though. I doubt it. But they are scarier. They have a hidden potential. An evil potential to crack your nerves and resistance.

I know he once tried a jumping rope. Don't underestimate the sting of a jumping rope. Ever! It's the worst I've seen - felt, actually. It's like tongues of fire scratching your skin. And that beasty thing needs more than four whacks to cover your bum, and no matter how light they are, they are still swooshy. Swooshy... that reminds me of the 'swoosh' they make. Eeek! Forget jumping ropes. They are scary. Unless you're the worst brat in the world, trust me, you don't deserve them!

But no matter how awful the implements are, nothing can make me submit faster than his tone of voice. It slaps my mind into place. There's no need for spanking when I hear that tone. Oh yeah, I try to ignore it and also ignore my premonitions about it, and I go all hyper and bratty... I always know - or pretend to know - what will happen. I even try to control the near future. Sometimes I predict it. And yet, it always surprises me. You know, it's like when you expect for someone to say something and you wait and wait and you lose yourself into thinking about the wait, and when they finally say it, it startles you, since you were paying no attention to the fact anymore, but only to the idea. It's something like that.

Hell, I'm tired. I got a headache. Stupid b^tch thinking I'm 15 or something and the other b^tch saying I have an accent. Oh, to hell with you all! Grrrrr.... I would smash their heads together if I could!

The Mood for Spanking and My Yucky Day

The mood. Right... It's always been a mystery to me: why and when and how do I get in the mood for a spanking. I tried to impersonate a detective Freud and analyse my moods.

I have weeks when the only interest in spanking comes from my hubby spanking me. It starts there and it ends there. And then I have weeks or days when I have only spanking on my mind.
When the first happens, no kinky pictures or stories can interest me. I get bored even before starting to read. But when the kink kicks, hell, I'm close to obsession. And the spanking mood always happens during he most stressing moments of my life - exams or too much work, meeting dead lines, worries about work, frustration, nervousness.

And then the spanking itself. There are many spankos out there interested in RPGs, real BDSM, bondage, ennemas, etc. I'm not one of those and without meaning to criticize anyone, I don't understand them. There's no empathy for that and I suppose that's how they feel about a lighter kink too. Or maybe that's the way vanillas look at spanking - a big picture, no details.

I'm too tired right now to carry on about spanking. I had a f%*(^ up day. Some idiot client was enough of an ass to start addressing me and talking to me as if I was 15. There is nothing in the world that pisses me off more than that. Then some idiot found out I lived abroad and said something like: "That explains your accept. I thought it had something funny..." So that ruined my morning, my lunch, and my evening. I asked everyone else if they thought that my accent was funny and, after assuring me that my accent was fine, my colleagues sent me to mind my own business 'cause they had work to do. Anyway... someone else said my accent was funny, a few months after I had moved abroad or something. Actually they said my 'r' was either missing or too strong - I don't remember. That was years ago, actually. So could it be that I got a weird accent that pops up only in certain sentences or exclamations? I'll ask my best friend about it. She should know.