Saturday, November 17, 2007

Last Night

Talking to Paul is therapy. hehe Initially I wanted to post a reply to comment but I gave up when i realized I was writing novels in my reply. So, Paul advised a very normal thing if your mind is sound:

"Kay, the only thing that I can advise, is ask. Dom/Tops can't read minds. If you really need a spanking, and Jack isn't picking up on you, copy and paste this post and email it to him. It would be so much easier if we could read minds.
I've added another comment to the previous post.
Warm hugs,

Paul, I ain't asking anything! Not dirtectly, at least... Yesterday I managed to tell him (cuz my brain was on fire): "How come I am such a bad baby and I always get away with it? Am I just lucky?"

He grabbed my arm and dragged me to the couch - but it was the couch with the window open and the curtains open and I whined about it - "No... the neighbors can seeeee..." And then he wanted to change the bed without letting go of me, but I started hugging him and kissing his neck and spoiling myself. And he was laughing by that time and only said: "Hugging gets you out of trouble, that's why you do it, hm?" And I giggled and we huggled some more.

Truth is, Paul, my Mom was coming over last night - I finally called back after 7 missed calls (I was out!! Can't hear phone in restaurant and traffic.) and asked her - see how rude I am - if she went crazy calling like that. It seems she didn't go crazy, she was just 2 hours away from us, coming to the ministry for an urgent meeting. It was really nice that she came, but I got to see her last night briefly for 2 hours and in the morning I only got to kiss her good-bye.

Thing is, I haven't taken my vitamins for a few months now. And I *know* what that means when I am very stressed and tired...

Last week we wanted to eat out but when we reached the place it was very crowded, and hot, and it smelled like food. My stomach went instantly bad, I got dizzy - I was on the verge of both throwing up and fainting. So I told Jack that I needed out right then, because I can't stand anymore. I couldn't breathe. I had a knot in my throat. I am not claustrophobic. But my Calcium or Magnezium dropped a lot recently, it seems. Next day I refused to eat until five in the evening and I was again almost fainting. All week I've been eating nothing almost - I am not hungry -, went to bed at 1-2am and woke up at 7, smoked like a chimney... so last night, on our way home from the restaurant, my heart went crazy. I would have arrhythmia now and then for a few minutes... but last night, hell, it kept going from 8 through 12. I hadn't bought vitamins or calcium either lately, and I refused anything sweet to boost the sugar in my blood... I refused food when my Mom asked me... Ten years ago I would be that stubborn that only when I was already in the worst condition and the whole house was alarmed I would take something to get over my problems. "I can do it. I can get over it without help" - is my motto.

Honestly, I think that for this I deserve a good spanking. Any Top in his right mind would do it. But instead, Jack pampers me, going on with the phylosphy that spanking would not help, since I like spanking?! Honestly, I think it would.


Paul said...

Kay, this post worriesme, I'll email as soon as I can.
Warm hugs,

Kayley said...

See? seeeee? This is what I mean: you people get worried about stuff. Why worry? Today I am fine, my body copes with my mind... Things like feeling sick happen, really... Like I said, I am aware I am doing something bad - and what is worse, is that deep inside I know I'm doing it on purpose (even though I can't see why). But I can't stop it. But I mean I don't want anybody to be worried about it. I don't want anybody to wonder if I am fine... I am fine. When I collapse, only then I am not fine...

*thinking* I have no idea what I am saying really... Because on one hand I shout I don't want anybody to worry about me, on the other hand I am too proud to accept that I need to do smth about it, and last, but not least, I scream for attention (and the mother of all) when I am really sick.

I was told once, by a qualified guy, that I tend to stretch the rules and situations until the potential 'explosion' is imminent. I've already learnt when to let go, but sometimes I misjudge the whole thing.

This time I am in control. I am. I swear I am. I am not that bad. My body can cope with anything and everything. I know myself.

I know I am self-destructive. I am sometimes. I admit it. It will change at some point. Like I said, I know when too much is too much.. but right now... Look - today I did eat. Not crappy nothing like every day, but proper food. And I'll go right now take my vitamins. (They stink though. I can feel their smell even after I swallow them! :( ). Just pleaaseee... don't worry about me. I don't like people worrying about me.

And Paul, thanks! :) But *please* don't worry, ok? I am fine. Honestly. I am in control of things. I've always been. I know when to let go... :)

*Sigh* Ok. I confess - I am too lazy to take my vitamins and prepare food for work. How can one be lazy about that? ONE can. I mean to take them every day. I mean to go to bed early every day. It's just that 11pm comes when I do interesting stuff, you know?

*sigh again* I'm just a spoilt brat. I can see that... :(

Stop worrying, everyone, because it drives me nuts though! k?... hehe I feel like 17 again. Only that I'm 28, not 17. *pout*

But I am a tough chick. I can take a lot!