Yeah... and a Happy New Year

Just put a gun to my head and shoot me. No, it's not that bad - just bad. Maybe I dream too much hoping for things to be nice... N/m.

I locked myself twice in the bathroom already and the last time I scratched my forearm with the scissors. I do it only when my brain is exploding. This time it was. It's too much preasure and too much unhappiness in this world. And I will be alive who knows how much more to witness all the shit happening in this world. I grew tired of seeing animals without shelter or food, people and children starving... people do not care. I feel guilty spending money because others do not have. And I hate alcohol and drunk people. Ok, I am ok if someone drinks but if that drinking happens once and I don't get to witness it often. Do you know how ti feels to feel trapped into this fucking world - no way out? I mean what is the way out? There isn't one, you see, because if you die more people who do not care are left into the world. That's not a risk I want to take.

No, I am not drunk. I haven't drunk anything yet, mind me. I am just very sober and very tired of many things. I can't even write more folks because people are passing by and shit...

Anyway, cutting yourself to clear your mind is a solution. Sometimes. A bad choice, but a solution.

Merry Xmas Y'All! :)

This might be my last post for the next three days. I am not sure, of course, but since Christmas is coming and my parents as well, I might not be able to post too soon. Sooo... Merry Christmas you all and see you after the holidays. :)

I also want to apologize because those who have subscribed might get some crazy update email from my site, but I will add a few Xmas decorations on my page today. So... sorry about the spam email. :)

All the Xmas clip art belongs to Free
Clipart or Photos: www.ace-clipart.com.

Back to Getting Spanked

I didn't push it. Not much, anyway. I guess it happened because of Jack's mood. Honestly, I don't even remember what started it... Actually, I do. I bit him a little and when he gave me the chance not to bite anymore, I bit again. Oh, well... I couldn't resist, really.

I kind of remember some lecturing about staying up late and reading and watching too much spanko stuff, but I am not sure about what he was saying. The pain was a little too much so I was focused on not kicking. I had flashbacks of spanking vids and I wondered how the heck were some guys taking it so bravely. Anyway, the spanking went on for a while because I kept calling him names - I didn't want to but they kept coming out. I was supressing the urge by the time I got to the middle of the word.

Anyway, from intense pain I went to a hot bottom and the slaps stopped hurting. So the fact that I stopped wriggling gave him the idea that he should slap on the curve under my butt and my upper legs and then he decided that slapping towards the thighs would also be a good idea. It was, because I had stopped breathing already.

I have some sore spots still - that is about 2 hours later. But my energy is high again. So I wonder what the heck can calm me down? Not much, I guess. If I were Jack, I would make use of my new belt also... But I am not. *evil grin*

Odiogo.com - Listening to Posts

Thanks Will! :) I installed and it works quite right... The only "down" side is that... well, it's a male voice which is quite weird. hehe I mean even this post will be read by a male voice and some posts might sound even funny like this. But it's okay, I guess. It's useful sometimes.

Another down side is that the stories, when read by this robot, are not read as I meant them to be read. So unless you are desperate or busy reading other stuff, skip the button. :)

Anyway, Will, thaks again, mate! :)

Over Being Drunk

Yeah, I got over it. Like I said, yesterday I felt like shit, really... Today I slept untill 11,30am. Jack was a little pissed off at me for staying up very late again and smoking too much. I woke up with an incredible cough.

SInce Christmas is falling on Tuesday and I didn't take Monday off, I cannot go visit my parents. The trip takes about 5 hours on a good day, so with the traffic and stuff it would take about 6. My parents will come visit. Oh well...

I should do some shopping - I didn't buy ANYTHING yet because I didn't have time. It sucks. I mean normally, by this time of the year, I would have had all the presents. I haven't even bought food yet. It's not good... And it's extremely cold outside.

Cheers! Hope your shopping was better than mine...

drunk

i am so druk my dearest thgat i am not goig to search for the keys. be warned. i am on automatuc pilot deleting now and then what i think i miht have tyes wrong. fuck. honeztky i cnnot fel the keys anyore. i had to go out toight and i did and i pushed yswkf to a certain limit... fuck... io have to look at the keys while i am typing... shit...
i gfoitta eat smth cuz i hate puking,.....
\
ok. gpot some cheese. it is fucking 2am, i am drunk beyond wordss and i dont want to go to work tomorrow... all the way home i have been writing posts in my head obviosul i am not coherent enough to m type them. i am typing this now just so that i can see tomorrowq in which state i was in today... fuck ..
i wanna skeep.. and BREATHE.. i am reaaaaaally hungrty... 5 beers
that ids all i had\u dare nake a nasty comment on this after the trouble ui webnt through wqhile typing it and u r toast!~ hear me? toast!!!!
FUCK... I DONT ABNNA PUKE BT... I WISGH I COULDF,...STUPID Caps on on.. IT IS.. 5.. NO... 1 58 AM
I NEED TO WAKWE UP AT ... UM....


???
8? HAHAHAHA
YWEAN
FUCK
GUYS IM HUNGRY
EATYING
CHEESE W BREAD
IM JHUNGRY
ha
this will b fun in the morning...
spanking? yeaaahhh surreee... i gotta go to bed guys if i clode my eyes... how the fguick i coulndt control it this tym...

peace!~

Seriously Now...

The thought was triggered about Juju's post. It's an old one, but it keeps coming back...

What on earth would you do if you had a kid interested in spanking? Honestly guys. I know it's a tough issue you don't wanna think about. But really... how would you feel? Would you freak out? Would you be scared? Would you share?

I'm going to use my example. I was always into spanking and my parents - and my aunt and gramma - realized it by the time I was 15. Even earlier I would dare say. I am sure they didn't know what to make of it - they probably thought it was something related to puberty and shit, you know? They never mentioned it. But the word 'spanking' coming out of their mouth was always spoken on a funny tone. I can't explain what 'funny tone' means, but trust me, it was funny. My relationship with my parents was a bit cold. I told my Mom that I love her once in my life. She is not a cold person but... I don't know... there is something odd in between us. She loves me and she sacrifices everything for me, even now, but there is something odd somewhere... I am somewhat positive that my Mom has, in her blood, a bit of the spanking virus. Not much, but just a bit - enough to make the word sound 'funny' when spoken.

I am into spanking 100%, so much so that for me spanking is much better than sex. Now if my kid would show signs of interests into spanking by the age of 14-15, I would definitely come forward. I don't want him/her to go through what I went through, not knowing what the fuck was going on; thinking he/she had a problem, etc.

Now if I would want that to happen to him or her? It sounds extremely degenerated and selfish maybe, but I wouldn't mind. And that is because I don't think there is anything wrong with liking spankings. Furthermore, I believe that people with such a kink have a much better sex life than others. Finding the significant other might be tough, but it might be worth the waiting. That's my view and you don't need to agree with me. :)

Audio? and Some Other Nonsense...

Ok... You guys remember Castle Handyman's website? He had stories and then he had the audio versions of them. I LOVED that.

Unfortunately for me I am not a native English speaker and I live in a studio with my husband, so recording myself reading the story would be almost impossible...

Anybody out there interested in reading one and maybe editting some shit to make sure it's gramatically correct? This is just a call and I pretty much know I won't get a 'yes' from anybody, but we are allowed to try, aren't we? *dry laugh*

Anyway... on the line... I might have a fellow spanko working in the same company with me. I'll let ya guys know the story soon enough. This would be the funniest crap ever! *chuckling*

Poll: What's Your Favorite Room?

I made a poll out of this question just out of curiosity. If you have any reasons why you have picked an answer, feel free to share. :)

My fav is the bathroom. Whenever I want to be alone with my thoughts, I move to the bathroom. I like closed places, with no windows (if possible), isolated from all the noise outside or inside... And the bathroom is like a sanctuary to me.

I cried there, I dreamed, I cut myself when I was younger, I talk on the phone for hours, I smoked, I drank and chatted at parties, I hid in there when I was in trouble... It's such a quiet and peaceful place. I even studied in the bathroom, when I was cutting classes and was preparing for exams 3 days ahead, studying my ass off from morning till morning. I wrote in the bathroom, on my laptop... I run the water - because I love the sound of running water, and I sit there with my cats around me. I don't need the bathroom to be a luxurious place. I just want something cozy.

I love bathrooms... :)

Your turn.

Musing on Previous Spankings

I'm talking about how I react to spankings...

It usually depends on the frame of mind in which I am, really. It also depends if I feel bratty or not. Probably, if I were to be punished, I would just keep as silent as I could. And if I feel bratty, I cry first, until I realize that pleading gets me nowhere. I don't cry necessary from pain: I cry when I realize there is no way out. That's my killer.

Many times I try to cover my butt, but since I prefer having my hands in front of me, I try not to give Jack a reason to hold them for me. Not having both fists tight into the blanket scared me. Actually, if I were to bend over and hold my legs - and I had to do it like two times a few years ago - I would feel pretty desperate.

I still don't believe it is me indeed taking the spankings. Like I told Jack - I think it is my alternate ego, that is why I beg from the start. If it were me indeed, I would shut my mouth and take it all as silently as I could. And then, either it is me or my alternate ego, I come to the point where it does hurt and I start squirming and yelping and 'owe'ing. And you know you got through me when, after this, total silence falls. That's when I start building it inside; that's when my brain catches up and says: "you are in big shit; it hurts like crazy and it's not going to stop." And realization dawns: "I really can't stop it, no matter what." And then silent tears start falling. I've been there like three or four times. And when I start crying I want it to go on, just to get rid of all the pressure inside.

I have in my mind two memorable spankings for me: one, when I really crossed the line and I did some pretty nasty stuff to myself and Jack. We were away - we were in a long distance relationship, more or less like the one with Mija and Pablo. I was in Univ. I was crazy. I was up all night, skipping classes all day. I had managed to get my best friend, Jules, into this shit also. I don't wanna go on with the shit I was up to, but it involved drugs once and a lot of beer and a lot of nights online on a spanking chat room. I don't know how I have always managed to get my exams with good grades (b oth me and Jules, actually) after not being in class for weeks and pretending we were working.

So anyway... jack was mad at me. Very mad. He told me I was in trouble but I did not believe him. I was somewhat scared. Because when Jack is mad and says something, you kind of know it is a promise. You wish for other things but that doesn't help. And I also always try to behave and calm him down, and show how sorry I am - because I really am, you know? It never helps. So that time I flew to see him for a few weeks and the moment I was in the cab with him, he started questioning me. They were small questions about my school, my exams, my phone bill. No questions about the damn spanking chat which meant that he was mad and he was holding it inside. He acted so much like a top that I had melted long before we got home. I was embarassed by his questions, in front of the cab guy. I was embarrased because he promised he would take care of everything once we got home. My knees were buckling, really...

And when we got home, I just know he took me to his room and said he would spank me. He said he wasn't kidding. He said that if spanking is what I wanted, then spanking I should get. He spanked me over his lap, his spanked with his belt, with a stupid jumping rope that I hid later on (hehe) and I did cry. I don't even remember if that was the time he thrashed me with the hairbrush or if that was another time. But I do recall a few sound spankings that I got in that room, over that bed.

Anyway, gotta go now... Gonna take a shower.

Cheers!

Question about Belts

Ok, you guys... You should know the answer to this one:

A few days ago when I was running around for some shopping (needed a fancy belt for a costume party) I found a very very smooth flexible belt. I mean it is not the hard kind; it's the lighter swooshy kind. The moment I saw it I fell in love with it.

Do you think it hurts more than the normal Levis belt - You know, the ones for guys, with the big buckle?...

I just need some advise since it's about 80 bucks and I am low on money this month with all the presents and shit, and in the same time my mind got stuck to it. So I want a good investment...

help? anyone?

I Hate CCBill

Yes, I know I said it before - about a year ago, but this time I want to underline it.

Do you know how bad it is to decide that you want something - and I mean over the past couple of weeks I've been checking spanking sites again and I wasn't too sure I wanted to subscribe to some of them (until today) - and not be able to get it? And it's not even up to me?...

Do I have to move to the States and make myself a card there in order to pay CCB???

Anyway... let's skip this state of mind, shall we? Before I say a few more things... If you haven't realized it yet - I'm in a sassy mood. REALLY sassy mood.

Been visiting for the past 5 or 6 hours SpankingCentral and I liked what I saw. I started being interested somewhere starting Volume 8 or 9 I think. And by the time I reached 15 I was hooked. I like some of the guys. Oh, yeah, forgot to mention, it's an M/m spanking place. Disappointed some of you? Well, shit happens. Or maybe you wonder when will I snap out of my M/m mood, eh? Good questions. But probably never, since it's been with me since I was 5, you know?

Anyway, I think I "finally" figured out (I figure out something new every day so get used to it!) why M/m is more fun to watch than M/f. I also told you that I've been watching spanking clips with girls yesterday (actually today) until 5am. None really satisfied me. They lack something. You see, a guy takes it like a guy and a girl takes it like a girl. It's that simple. So you mostly cannot dish to a girl what you dish to a guy.

And there are two kinds of guys - the ones who take it silently and you just see them crying - which is a lot more fun since you know when the pain really gets to them; and the ones who are 'gone' from the beginning.

Anyway, this guy on CentralSpanking is hot: Seth. What's hot about him? The way he acts. The way he smirks. And the way his smirk is gone when he gets whacked. *evil grin*

Ok, people, talk to you later... it's 1am, again - this morning's spanking didn't help much it seems hehe - and I wanna wander a bit online. :)

*coughing her lungs out* :( I am coughing - shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! I forgot my antibiotics!! ok done took them. So... I am coughing my lungs out and I am getting black spots in front of my eyes from so much coughing. :( Maybe I should stop smoking when I am sick, right?... Yeah, maybe. Or maybe I should just wait for this virus to move away and hang on in here...

Rambling again - you see, last time I tried to quit (November last year, I think), Jack was away, and I was so down... I mean I always thought that quitting qould be like snapping your fingers. I mean, I am strong enough to control tantrums, right? Wrong. I remember I started crying back then for no reason. I was so desperate and I had no reason to be. I was shouting on the phone at everyone who would call... so this is why I cannot quit now. I don't have the right frame of mind.

Peace!

Spanked in the Morning

Totally my fault, and I admit it.

You see, I am sick (having two things running at once), on antibiotics, with runny eyes and nose, a horrible cough and so on, but I managed - don't ask me know - to stay up, as tired as I was, until 5am. And until my cough allowed me to fall asleep it had already become 6. No kidding.

This morning I woke up around 9 first and asked Jack what time it was. Then fell asleep again. Then I woke up one more time and asked again what time it was - it had become 11. He said something about me going to bed at 5am.

"How do you know that," I asked.
"You can't hide things from your... Master."

Tingle tingle in my tummy. On the spot. I am too tired to remember how things went on, but soon enough I was on his lap getting my ass spanked red for being up so late. Does being sick make your butt more resistant? I swear, this morning I could have taken anything and everything. I didn't protest, didn't put my hand back to cover my butt, I didn't clench, I didn't scream. I cried a bit at the end, when it had started hurting, but there was no big fuss.

My question is: what's gotten into Jack to spank me? Is it because I am downloading at the moment a few gigabytes of spanking movies? Is it because he watched something? Was it just to get me horny? I have a feeling he peeked a little at my movies... hehe

Anyway, my butt is fine now and my attitude has improved. :)
I still want the belt though - badly.

Spankings

I'm coming back from JuJu's blog. I have to write. She started me. :)

I said many times that I was not spanked as a child. Partly true.

Until 7 my grandparents raised me at their own house, in the country. It was great. I was spoilt but my Grandma used to tell me that even though I was very naughty and full of energy, and even though I climbed all the trees and the fences that could be climbed, she never feared that I could fall or break my kneck. Because I wasn't wreckless. And I know that. I know that I estimated always my weight and the branch's resistance before I stepped on it. I made bows and arrows for myself and stole knives from the kitchen, yet I never cut myself. So that's what my Grandma meant. However, I was guilty because I had a very bad mouth. A big mouth. I remember how many times my Grandma ran after me with a rod. I remeber she slapped my legs now and then with various things. I was very proud. She used this tactic: I kick you out of the house and go do what you want and you are not coming in until you apologize. And I wasn't apologizing, but, instead, I was getting my dog and walking away. Once I made room for myself to sleep in the doghouse. I would have rather had that than apologize and crash my ego.

My grandfather never slapped me though. He was threatening me when we were playing tricks on him with my friends, but he never lay a finger on me. Once though, they called me for lunch (I hated food!) and I refused to come. They didn't know where I was. They called and called but I had hidden in the corn field. They both chased me - imagine two old people chasing a brat in a corn field - and caught me in the end. I don't know what the discussion was about but I know my Grandpa was very mad. He actually took off his belt to spank me. My Grandma stopped him though. However, I remeber I did not feel humiliated by that - in comparison to a situation which I am about to write in a bit. I was scared, but not humiliated. He could have spanked me and I woould have not felt anger towards him.

My parents used to visit every weekend and I know we all had a wonderful time. Then, by the time I was seven and went to school and to live with my parents, my fathr had started drinking. He was drinking a little at the beginning, but by the time I was 12 he had become a heavy drinker. The fights between him and my Mom happened every night. I had exams the next day or school contests and I was unable to sleep until 1-2 at night. At 12 I broke my neck and once he came home drunk, and even though I was in a cascet from head to waist, he pushed me and I fell. I don't remember it exactly but my Mom reminds him that sometimes, when he drinks. Sometimes he was aggressive - breaking plates in the kitchen. Sometimes he was talking for hours sitting on my bed, as I couldn't sleep. He never hit me though. And when he was sober, he was the most incredible guy in the world. Hard to believe, eh?

Anyway, when I was about 8 or 9, I remember I had a stupid homework that I refused to do. I had been out for very long, refused to come home in time for homeworks, and now I was very tired and angry. My Grandma was there. My Mom was also there. He wanted to spank me. He actually got the belt and asked me to drop my pants and lie on the bed. I refused. I cried my heart out. It was so so humiliating. Now compare this to the scene with my grandfather. Anyway, my Grandma and my Mom got me out of it in time. I know this is not a traumatizing experience - but it certainly was for me. It is the worst memory I have, I think.

And speaking of spankings that do not make me angry - because they involve my Grandma who brought me up - I remember two specific times when I really got it. Once, when I was about 6 or 7, we were at my cousin's house. He was getting it regularly. It was no big deal to him. But it was a big deal to me. I know I insulted my Grandma, his Grandma, and I refused to eat my food. They chased me through the whole house, caught me, placed me on their laps, pulled down my underwear and slapped my butt good. It is funny, you know, two women running after me like mad. And it took two of them to hold me down and spank my butt. hehe Yes, my cousin witnessed it and even bragged about it to my aunt (which is his aunt, also). He was saying it so matter-of-factly, you know...

Second time - we had a dinner with my Grandma's brother in our house. I was about 5-6? My aunt and my uncle were there. I think my parents were also there but I am not sure. It was, I think, again related to eating (since I was refusing any and every food given to me) and most probably some back talking. My Grandma got mad, grabbed me, pulled down my underwear and spanked me right there, in front of them. No kicking back helped. Have I mentioned that I used to kick them reaaally bad? Hitting with legs and crap? hehe Anyway... then I sat my butt down on the carpet. And my Grandma's brother asked (in a context which I don't remember): "Is she punished to sit like that?" And my Grandma said: "If she were she wouldn't be sitting there."

Now, are these experiences enough to turn someone into a spanko? I have no clue...

Christmas Meme

Ok, I 'borrowed' this from "Spanky Loves Kalisto" (and you should check the blog because it's very peaceful (if spankings can be peaceful hehe) and sweet). :)



1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper.


2. Real tree or artificial? I love real trees. Had them through all my childhood and my parents and my aunt still get the real trees... and I would, really, (at least for the wonderful scent), but in my house I use artificial. I started caring about nature a lot more over the past 5-6 years so... Besides, I can always use a few branches to spice up the atmosphere... :)


3. When do you put up the tree? Except for one or two times - always on the Christmas Eve.

4. When do you take the tree down? Well, theoretically it should be taken down in January, somewhere around the 8th I think?... But I keep it sometimes till the beginning of February. Taken it down is not as much fun as putting it up. hehe

5. Do you like eggnog? Not really, no...

6. Favorite gift received as a child? I don't have a favorite... But I loved them all - especially the cars and the legos...

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes

8. Hardest person to buy for? My dad.

9. Easiest person to buy for? Jack

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Don't remember. I am quite specific on what people shouldn't buy me.

11. Mail or email Christmas cards? Abroad and in the same city - email; locally but in a different city - mail.

12. Favorite Christmas movie? The Polar Express... Seen it like 5 times, at least... hehe And I love Tom and Jerry Xmas cartoons... :) It reminds me of my childhood.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Sometimes in late November, but most shopping is done in December.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Cake, chocolate, cookies... :D

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Colored. I used to have the ones that looks like lampions and so on... they were so pretty. The new ones are also pretty...


17. Favorite Christmas song? Winter Wonderland and that one with the 1st day of Christmas...

18. Travel for Christmas or stay home? HOME. I love holidays with my family, even though they are not always the way I want them to be...

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? No. Sorry, the American culture is not that strong yet. :)

20. Angel on the treetop or a star? Star.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas Eve. I was coming back from carolling and we were opening presents... it was sooo kool! :) And then we were all having dinner and playing games... :)

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? I can't seem to find anything it shops anymore!! Get out of there people, I also want to shop!!! DUH!

23. What I love most about Christmas: the tree, the caroling, the gifts, the red and green patterns, the snow (hopefully we will have some this year)...