Monday, December 31, 2007

Yeah... and a Happy New Year

Just put a gun to my head and shoot me. No, it's not that bad - just bad. Maybe I dream too much hoping for things to be nice... N/m.

I locked myself twice in the bathroom already and the last time I scratched my forearm with the scissors. I do it only when my brain is exploding. This time it was. It's too much preasure and too much unhappiness in this world. And I will be alive who knows how much more to witness all the shit happening in this world. I grew tired of seeing animals without shelter or food, people and children starving... people do not care. I feel guilty spending money because others do not have. And I hate alcohol and drunk people. Ok, I am ok if someone drinks but if that drinking happens once and I don't get to witness it often. Do you know how ti feels to feel trapped into this fucking world - no way out? I mean what is the way out? There isn't one, you see, because if you die more people who do not care are left into the world. That's not a risk I want to take.

No, I am not drunk. I haven't drunk anything yet, mind me. I am just very sober and very tired of many things. I can't even write more folks because people are passing by and shit...

Anyway, cutting yourself to clear your mind is a solution. Sometimes. A bad choice, but a solution.

12 comments:

Paul said...

Kay, the world has problems, no one person can solve them.
Cutting yourself is not a solution, please don't do it.
If I can help just write to me.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.

Anonymous said...

Hi Kayley,

That self-destructive behavior can lead to worse, so please try to get help, or have someone, a friend/colleague/anyone, get help on your behalf.

The holidays do often worsen people's issues and spark turmoil of all kinds for a wide array of reasons. I say that from experience. Trust me, I'm battling a lot of stuff and have been for years and years.....

Like Paul said in the previous comment...love and hugs to you:)

Take care,
Dave
"The Cherry
Red Report"

Will said...

~~I'm sitting here,
trying to figure out exactly what to say to you.

~~You know, you have to care about yourself; love yourself, and try the best you can to share that love..so that the World knows what love is.
~~We cannot change others, my friend; only ourselves. It is through our own expressions of love & caring, that see us through the darkest of times.
~~Please, do not hurt yourself. Those who love, feel the hurt of others~~empathy....

...You have this inside you, dear.
Empathy. Give yourself the gift of love, and then the World shall hurt less.

~~I am avalable anytime you'd like to chat, or e-mail.

"sky_blue_bill" yahoo

bbswrite(at)bluebottle(dot)com

Happy New Year.

Take care of yourself!

xx,Will

Kayley said...

Thanks for the nice words guys and I appreciate that you care, but you don't get it.

One, this has nothing to do with loving yourself and sharing love. God help me, if I don't help and share love and optimism, then I don't know who does. I am just tired of giving and giving and feeling that nothing changes. The world still sucks and I can't do much to help. As a matter of fact, I even get funny looks when I try to help. I don't understand people. I hate the ignorance around and I am getting more tired and more tired of it each passing day.

Self-destructive? I can't believe I hear these words coming out of you guys? :) Honestly. You are all spankos - you spank or get spanked which implies pain. What do you say about those chicks spanking themselves? How are they better than me when I decide to cut myself? Where is the difference, if there is one? When someone asks to get caned and you see those awful bloody marks - don't those guys need help? How about the SM people who put needles in themselves or those that get piercings or those that really fuck themselves up by putting sharp things through their nipples? Guys, I am healthier than half of those folks out there, if we speak in terms of hurting oneself or asking to be hurt...

But I appreciate the help you offered. It's just that I won't take it because I don't need it. Why I suffer? Because I am too much aware of the crappy world around us and how things go down. And because I care. I don't think I should get treatment for that and I don't think I should make myself immune to it either. If I stop caring and we all do, what's gonna change? Someone has to care... even if caring means hurting really bad inside.

I know a friend who refuses to watch certain things related to animal issues because it makes her sick. They surely fuck up my brain too, but if they weren't, then I would probably just sit on my butt and not give a shit. At least the empathy and the pain keeps me going. And caring.

And given that I am a spanko, and given that pain calms me down instantly, I did it last night. And God, I felt GREAT about it. I wish I could just put it on display instead of hiding it for fear that everyone around would say that I went nuts.

Nm... As Juju said, we are all very different and maybe I shoudn't get this deffensive when you try to help... but like I said in a previous post or email - dunno which one it was - when I feel I am right, then I fight for what I believe. :)

So, don't take this reply in a bad way - I just wanted to straighten things out. Make them clear. :)

Thanks. And have a happy new year, folks. :)

Kayley said...

Oh and you asked how you can help? Actually you can... :) Donate for charity and try to make the world a better place. Seeing happiness around me makes me happy. :) Empathy, Will, just like you said...

Will said...

Well. You know me:
half-assed & half-right.

And, imperfectable, to spank...(or, is that boot??)
**
Happy New Year to you.
(maybe you should try a spanking with a butter knife! [j/k])
**
~~Will runs off, clutching his tail, in wonder! ~~(^_^)

xx,Will.

Kayley said...

A spanking with a butter knife,hm? Run Mister run cuz your ass will catch fire if not. *evil grin* If you were next to me I'd whack your ass blue for that comment - I might be a little on the bottom side - but when I see a chance to top I seize it so fast you don't know what hit you. In the spanko world, you would though, I believe... *weg*

Peace!

~Kay - feeling a little toppy again today

Eric said...

Happy new year, Kayley. You sound like a teenager here, and I mean that as a compliment. You have idealism and a lot of passion for others' well-being. At least that was how it was when I was younger. I hate to see you in that kind of pain, but I wouldn't want you to change, either. Of course, I still care about the same things. I'm hanging on to that indignation, but I don't fight against the world's mess like I should.

Hugs,
Eric

Anonymous said...

Kay,

I can relate to the rawness of your feelings. I know what you mean when you say everything is fucked up. I'm hoping you are feeling better now, getting things off your chest sometimes really helps a lot. HUGS!!! ~Juju

Kayley said...

Heya guys! :) Happy New Year to you too! :)

Eric - thanks for the compliment. Today I am in a good mood so I accept it ;) - had a hard day at work but I accomplished a lot, fed doggies again so I feel fulfilled. hehe HUGZ! :)

Juju - yep! Taking it out does help, you know! Sometimes - for me, at least - the best way to keep my optimism is not to think at all. And certainly, not to remember stuff. hehe :) That's why I HATE - HATE HATE - any kind of slow music which can induce such a weird state of mind. :) HUGZ! :)

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