Musing on Previous Spankings

I'm talking about how I react to spankings...

It usually depends on the frame of mind in which I am, really. It also depends if I feel bratty or not. Probably, if I were to be punished, I would just keep as silent as I could. And if I feel bratty, I cry first, until I realize that pleading gets me nowhere. I don't cry necessary from pain: I cry when I realize there is no way out. That's my killer.

Many times I try to cover my butt, but since I prefer having my hands in front of me, I try not to give Jack a reason to hold them for me. Not having both fists tight into the blanket scared me. Actually, if I were to bend over and hold my legs - and I had to do it like two times a few years ago - I would feel pretty desperate.

I still don't believe it is me indeed taking the spankings. Like I told Jack - I think it is my alternate ego, that is why I beg from the start. If it were me indeed, I would shut my mouth and take it all as silently as I could. And then, either it is me or my alternate ego, I come to the point where it does hurt and I start squirming and yelping and 'owe'ing. And you know you got through me when, after this, total silence falls. That's when I start building it inside; that's when my brain catches up and says: "you are in big shit; it hurts like crazy and it's not going to stop." And realization dawns: "I really can't stop it, no matter what." And then silent tears start falling. I've been there like three or four times. And when I start crying I want it to go on, just to get rid of all the pressure inside.

I have in my mind two memorable spankings for me: one, when I really crossed the line and I did some pretty nasty stuff to myself and Jack. We were away - we were in a long distance relationship, more or less like the one with Mija and Pablo. I was in Univ. I was crazy. I was up all night, skipping classes all day. I had managed to get my best friend, Jules, into this shit also. I don't wanna go on with the shit I was up to, but it involved drugs once and a lot of beer and a lot of nights online on a spanking chat room. I don't know how I have always managed to get my exams with good grades (b oth me and Jules, actually) after not being in class for weeks and pretending we were working.

So anyway... jack was mad at me. Very mad. He told me I was in trouble but I did not believe him. I was somewhat scared. Because when Jack is mad and says something, you kind of know it is a promise. You wish for other things but that doesn't help. And I also always try to behave and calm him down, and show how sorry I am - because I really am, you know? It never helps. So that time I flew to see him for a few weeks and the moment I was in the cab with him, he started questioning me. They were small questions about my school, my exams, my phone bill. No questions about the damn spanking chat which meant that he was mad and he was holding it inside. He acted so much like a top that I had melted long before we got home. I was embarassed by his questions, in front of the cab guy. I was embarrased because he promised he would take care of everything once we got home. My knees were buckling, really...

And when we got home, I just know he took me to his room and said he would spank me. He said he wasn't kidding. He said that if spanking is what I wanted, then spanking I should get. He spanked me over his lap, his spanked with his belt, with a stupid jumping rope that I hid later on (hehe) and I did cry. I don't even remember if that was the time he thrashed me with the hairbrush or if that was another time. But I do recall a few sound spankings that I got in that room, over that bed.

Anyway, gotta go now... Gonna take a shower.

Cheers!