Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Sorry About No Posts Today

I had a crappy day. I'm recovering though.

I don't know what happened, but last night I had a really scary nightmare, the one that leaves you shocked for the rest of the night, unable to realize what is dream and what is reality. That's how it started.

Then I woke up in the morning and I had to solve some problems and I argued on the phone with the University about my payment for the Masters program. Those people really pissed me off. It's like they are giving money, not me! I've been trying to reach them forever, and when I reach them they are rude. So go figure!

Then my Mom called and I argued with her for God knows what. I don't remember. The next thing I know was that I was having a nervous breakdown that I couldn't understand, that hit me from outerspace. Since it's never happened before, not without a reason, obviously, I had no idea how to handle it. It was some kind of panic attack I think. All I know is that I cried like a maniac and hugged my knees and paced around the room and hated everything and everybody. Honeslty, it might be related to me quitting smoking today. I think that's what did it. I couldn't bring myself to open the laptop or write or read. I slept all day and paced around and closed my phones and isolated myself. If a meteor was to strike, I wouldn't care.

Another guess is that all this shit happened because I'm nervous about the job stuff. I don't like hanging in between jobs, seeing the bank account emptying. It's like all my dreams were shattered and I was too busy being optimistic and realizing the obvious.

Now I'm a little better, but I have no idea what would happen if I were to talk about this to someone on the phone now. I'm touchy at the moment and my eyes and cheeks are still burning and I know the tears are just waiting to come out again.

Is it nicotine withdrawal? Possibly. And with no one to spank me around now, and being all alone and unemployed, locked in the house... well... it adds up to my nervous breakdown today.

I went out to get a beer. God knows when I had my last beer. The going out stuff, even if it was for five minutes, helped.

Sorry guys, I hope I feel better tomorrow. It's the damn cigarettes, I'm telling you! And I managed to a get a headache now... I'll get bubbly again till tomorrow. I hate seeing myself in this state. And I also hate posting about it, but just wanted to 'excuse' myself, if you know what I mean.

Sorry about the post. I wish it was happier!...

PS I think I have enough energy to sparkle myself up again. :)


Theresa said...

I am in between jobs too...and I have a panic attack everytime I look at the bank account. I had major anxiety and cried like a baby today. Even though I may have a job and get to start Thursday, I had this attack like I will never work again.

The nicotine withdrawal is definetly part of it. Try the patches they helped me. Also when you get and urge or a trigger, walk, chew gum, brushing my teeth worked well.

It might be cosmic, you are the third person today I have come across with mood issues. And a few post indicate some people aren't feeling as perky as usual.

Feel better soon!

Kayley said...

Theresa, thank you! :) You made me smile. Good to know I'm not losing my mind. It also occured to me that I got over the issues better when Jack was around. He would spank me and the world would be pink again...

I will definitely try the patches tomorrow. I've been smoking since 17, 10 years now. When I pass by Body Shop for the brush - no money, but need to get that! hehe -I'll also pass by the drug store.

Yeah... I've realized it too - people are a bit funny today. Anyway, when you hit the bottom, you can only go up next, right?

Huge hugs! Thank you girl!

PS ummm... in "Rome", on HBO, one of the guys just slapped a chick three times! ha! funny!

Kayley said...

PS Good luck with your job!! I'll cross my fingers for you!!

Moi-Chromo said...

feel better, dear.

I, for one, will be linking you.

cheer up..and stop smoking!


Eva said...

Kayley~ I feel your pain. I've been there, done that. I quit smoking 18 months ago after a 30+ year habit of 2-3 packs a day. Hang in there. It gets easier and easier. Don't give in.


Kayley said...

Moi-chromo: thank you! Yeah, smoking is a filthy habit! :)

Eva: I'm not touching another pack again! Last time I quit I pretended I was playing a game, to see for how long I can go without smoking. It worked! hehe

This time I am tricking myself saying: "There's no such thing as smoking. Smoking is just in your imagination." It works again! ;)Thanks for the encouragement!! :)

adam said...

Just wanted to let you know:

"Moi-Chromo" is me...It's a second blog: a fictional/journal. It's a kind of reheaesal, for a Novel I've been working on...throwing some tid-bits out there. It's fun.

I like your blog. Love where your going with it..the spanking/vanilla themes of your life, are really great.

I linked you @ after Paradise, also..Thanks for putting up with the Dom/Master Moi-Chromo..he's kind of finding himself (ego-wise).


Kayley said...

Adam, why didn't you say so? hehe You leave me puzzling over newcomers - well, I was visiting Moi-Chromo's site and I liked it. But now that you put it like this, I might as well link to my fav site that you have. ;) So give me today to check all three of them and make up my mind. I am still planning to organize links, like I've promised. I owe it to myself, to bloggers, to lurkers. :)